


I Am The Very Model Of An Auditor Imperial

by Gwynne



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-24 01:20:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20349997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gwynne/pseuds/Gwynne
Summary: (With apologies to Pirates Of Penzance. Many, many apologies.)Yesterday was Poets' Day. I am no a poet. I was most definitely not born under a rhyming planet. But with a bit of plagiarism and doggerel, I've cobbled this together. So now I'm inflicting it on you all. Be warned!Oh, and another warning: once you get the tune in your head, it STAYS.





	I Am The Very Model Of An Auditor Imperial

I am the very model of an Auditor Imperial  
I've information secretive and devious and criminal  
I know the Counts of Barrayar, and quote the fights historical  
From Emperor Vlad to Dorca Just, in order categorical

I'm very good at clever plots manipulating relatives  
I know just how to tell the truth but honesty… the hell it is.  
About High Vor-an politics I'm teeming with a lot o' news  
With many sneaky plans about the ways to alter Countly views.

With many sneaky plans about the ways to alter Countly views.   
With many sneaky plans about the ways to alter Countly views.   
With many sneaky plans about the ways to alter Countly views.

I’ve several times with no intent been accidentally treasonous.  
I always have fast answers when they ask me what my reason is.  
My loyalty imperial is total, true and absolute  
But sometimes I might just forget some details when the time’s acute.

I spun a fleet out of thin air and gave myself the highest rank  
I won a war and saved the day but came home to some matters dank.  
I saved the day and all was fine when Ivan took the traitor down  
And then it was Academy but somehow all my teachers frowned.

They sent me to a frozen isle and dumped me in a sea of mud  
I solved a crime and braved the storm and found a body in the flood,  
A madman tried to kill us all he had some serious mental flaws  
I blocked his plans although I did make mutiny without my drawers.

And then we lost the Emperor I had to go and help the search  
He’d left them all in panic-mode the Empire would be in the lurch  
I found him there in Jackson’s Whole, we’d been afraid he’d soon be dead,  
I saved him, lost him, saved again, he ended in Cavillo’s bed.

I twisted, lied and told some tales and soon I had my pirate fleet  
We found the Cetas sliding in and had a war that left them beat  
The Emperor was safe back home and I was happy with my job  
An Admiral, my mercenaries, we’d hit bad guys who tried to rob.

Momentum in the forward mode has kept me playing Naismith’s part.  
As Admiral my life was free, but Barrayar was in my heart.  
I'm very well acquainted, now, with matters all piratical  
With all the daring rescues, both the covert and combatical.

With all the daring rescues, both the covert and combatical.   
With all the daring rescues, both the covert and combatical.   
With all the daring rescues, both the covert and combatical.

I’ve saved an empire several times although it was the other one.  
I freed a full ten thousand from a prison camp – that job was fun.  
I found a brother, lost again, my clone had issues worse than mine  
But finally we met again, I died, was lost but then was fine.

I told a lie to save my job and lost it, all so shattering,  
My image of my life and plans they all took quite a battering,  
But then I found myself involved in crimes vile and nefarious,   
I solved it and I saved the day, with helpers odd and various.

So Naismith or Vorkosigan? I melded my identity  
I found my inner peace despite the crisis and intensity  
And once I knew just who I was I didn’t fall for bribes and schemes  
Although it hurt to turn it down, it was the end of Naismith dreams.

Now women is another thing, I like them smart and dark and tall,  
Found plenty in the Nexus but on Barrayar just none at all,  
And then I found the perfect wife, her husband sadly was a jerk  
The traitor died, she stopped the plot, then back to Barrayar to work.

It took a while to earn her trust, my dinner party was a pain.  
Eventually it all came right, and Ivan saved the day again.  
The wedding had another plot but once again it all came right  
A wife, six kids and happy home I’m fortunate my life is bright.

And now the time is nearly up on secrets all Dendarii-ous  
I’ll tell the world just what I’ve done, my rescues all victorious.  
Not a bloody courier, no mutie, categorical.  
I’m just as good as Da and Pa, in records all historical. 

I’m happy as an Auditor, so Gregor has to give me trust  
‘Let’s see what happens’ is his line, it’s do or die, success or bust.  
For evil acts political and military and criminal  
I am the very model of an Auditor Imperial.

For evil acts political and military and criminal  
I am the very model of an Auditor Imperial.

For evil acts political and military and criminal  
I am the very model of an Auditor Imperial.


End file.
